“A Tug at the Heart”
Ashley Wink – November, 2008
At the ripe full age of 8 years old I began building my identity through sports, academics, and pleasing others. I was on my way to earning the title as “the great pretender of happiness.”
I was involved in everything from 4-H to dance to sports. I had a loving family, great group of core friends, excelled in sports and academics, won numerous awards, and was even voted the nicest person and most preppy/goody goody and athletic individual my Senior year of high school.
To bystanders my life appeared wonderful and fulfilling but to me it was out of control and empty. I was never able to live up to my own standards and keep the attention of others. I served as a great best friend to everyone around me but ironically was my own worse enemy! Constant daily fears/thoughts/and questions invaded my head such as
- What if I get left behind?
- Why can’t I be two sizes smaller?
- What if my face turns bright red?
- What if I won’t be able to handle the workload next year?
- What if I lose control?
- Why can’t I be perfect like her?
- You played terrible – go run
- Its ok just one more binge won’t hurt you
- You failed again!
These thoughts only grew stronger as I developed an eating disorder at the age of 17 and began dating a guy 10 years older than me. Materialistically speaking he was a great provider, but emotionally my soul was starving to death! In the meantime, I managed to lose my purity and self worth, and became overwhelmed with fear, anxiety, jealousy, anger, and resentment. Above all the thing that hurt the most was watching my family suffer because of my selfish acts. They had lost the loving and caring daughter and sister they once knew.
During this chaotic 6 year period of my life, I felt as though people were tugging at my heart. I like to think of them as angels sent from the heavens to rescue my dieing soul. As the tugging grew stronger I knew a big change was about to take place! Lo and behold I was suddenly ready to cut off the relationship with my boyfriend of 6 years, and I starting attending Hope Community Church on a weekly basis.
Shortly after, in March of 2008, I was invited to a Beth Moore Seminar where I accepted Jesus into my heart and asked him to
1. Forgive me of my sins…
Assurance of Forgiveness
1 John 1:9 – If we confess our sins He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
2. Make me New
2 Corinthians 5:17 – Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. Because of the Holy Spirit I was made new. This is why I think and feel different after I accepted Christ into my life.
3. Cleanse me of Worry
Philippians 4: 4-7 – Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Since acceptance God has blessed my life with such wonderful brothers and sisters in Christ! My life is now full of grace and I have been attending bible studies where my understanding of Him can blossom and grow daily and weekly! I can’t say the worry and lies in my mind have completely disappeared, but I do know those thoughts are becoming less frequent! As I continue to rid my mind of self and allow the Holy Spirit to fill me with God’s love and understanding, I expect my heart and eyes will soften and my mind will become clearer. I don’t know specifically what He has planned for my life, but I do know through him I have hope, understanding, comfort, and a solid rock foundation of truth for the rest of my life on earth before one day entering into my Father’s Heavenly Kingdom!
